I have been thinking long and hard about boundaries this past month. As I negotiate my way as an individual and as a counsellor in private practice there is much to consider. Sometimes, people will ask what the difference between counselling and ‘having a chat with a good friend’ is, I find that a discussion on boundaries helps to clarify an element of what makes a counselling relationship special and therapeutic.

Boundaries are important because they help us to set out what we will, and wont, tolerate. They let people know where they are welcome. The issue with boundaries is that sometimes we have too many, they sometimes aren’t in helpful places, and sometimes they aren’t there at all!

As a counsellor my duty to my client is to maintain strong, supportive and (I believe), reflexive boundaries. By that I mean I respond to my client in the moment – if they ask for and require a reassuring touch then, in that moment, and as a human being, I respond. It is particularly important as a person-centred counsellor that my inner world does not take the lead role in a counselling relationship. As a trainee I struggled to understand what would be left of ‘me’ if all that was ‘me’ was kept from the room. I now know that I can absolutely be present in all of my personal uniqueness, and that that my ability to be genuine and honest is the cement between the bricks of my boundaries. If you tell me something sad, I feel it. I am just able to recognise the sad event and trauma as belonging to you and not to me, therefore I can allow you the centre stage that you need and deserve to work through your issues.

There is no agenda with person-centred counselling, I am not waiting for my turn to tell you about ‘that time something happened to me’, I am just allowing you to unfold and re-establish links with yourself – away from the day-to-day rigidity and structuredness of life.

Part of the joy in counselling is that for those 50 minutes with my clients I am SO me! My job is to leave my various other roles at the door; wife, mother, daughter, friend, colleague, and all of the other hats that I wear are cast aside. It took courage, three years of training and personal therapy, to be comfortable in that position. I believe if I want clients to be able to shed their masks and roles, and really get in touch with themselves in all of their messiness and uniqueness, then I need to be able to do that for myself. I also want to convey to clients that it is okay to be you. You are enough.

Boundaries can be great, sometimes you just need the time and space to notice them and consider how helpful they are in your life now. Recovery comes through peaking over, tearing down, moving, or re-establishing boundaries, but you have to notice them first.

‘Healing doesn’t come through denial or avoidance. It doesn’t come through wearing a brave smile, and pretending nothing happened…Healing comes through embracing the truth.’ (Spring, C. 2020)